SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It’s been 2 years since I discovered the messages on my husband’s phone. It’s not the first time I’ve found explicit messages to another woman…
I’ve got the temptation to snoop again but I can’t live my life snooping/wanting to snoop. Also know that husband could delete messages.
I’m not even sure what I need from him at this point.
I can’t live my life waiting for it to happen again. I’ve had it in my head that if is happens again I will go. So now I feel I’ve already got one foot out the door ready to flee.
We’ve got two young kids. He loves me so much. In all other ways he’s amazing. We enjoy each others company, we laugh a lot together. But I’m struggling to get past this.
He wasn’t even physically intimate with anyone, I think it’s the lying and going behind my back I’m struggling with. When I found out I even suggested we find someone to message together as a couple and that it would excite me to do it together - he isn’t interested in that idea.
He says he’s done nothing the last couple of years, maybe he’s right.
Each time I’ve found messages, it’s hurt less and less. The first time was so painful and shattered the idea of this perfect man I had in my head. Since then it’s a case of ‘here we go again’ and like I’ve been expecting it.
He cried a lot and messaged my family apologizing to them.
What’s the next step? Therapy? Separation? Quality time together?
Will I get past this?

Two years is still fairly early in the healing process, and if you've found out new information, it starts your healing clock back at 0.

What is your WH doing to become a safe partner and to make you feel safe? Crying and messaging family is basically nothing. What actions do you see that he has changed or is changing from cheater to safe partner?

Have you done IC? What have you done to heal from the betrayal? A trauma-informed therapist may help you work through your next steps.

It’s been 2 years since I discovered the messages on my husband’s phone. It’s not the first time I’ve found explicit messages to another woman...

So the first time you found these messages was more than 2 years ago? You also said, "Each time I’ve found messages, it’s hurt less and less." Does that mean it has happened more than 2 times throughout your relationship? What has he done besides cry and apologize? Has he gone to therapy to understand why he keeps doing this? Is he working to change his behavior in other ways so that he doesn't need whatever high these messages give him?

On your side, have you defined any consequences for his repeated offenses? Does he have any fear that you will leave him, or does he expect you to forgive him and move on because that's what always happens?

It's going to be really hard to get past his behavior if it happened multiple times after you first found out. Not much different from living with an addict. Ultimately only you can decide if you're willing to risk getting hurt again, or if you want to draw stronger boundaries to protect yourself, or if you can't take it anymore and want to leave. Walking away is always a right that you have. Doesn't matter how great he is the rest of time or how hard he's been trying since. You don't owe him anything for his efforts.

Living in constant state of vigilance is not only tiring, it will take a serious toll on your health in the long run. I'm sorry you're in that position.