SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Posted this in reconciliation and after reading it again my mind is all over the place.

I'm back after 10 years. At least I think I am...

Husband seemed a bit off so before his business trip I checked his bag and there were some viagra in there. Now that's not the issue because he could have put them there for a trip we took together. The issue is when he returned from business trip there was 1 missing. Yes I counted it was easy as there were only a few in there. That was 4 months ago. About 2 months ago before another business trip it appears he added one. It's a different brand that he has in his drawer. When he returned from that trip the pill was still there. In the midst of this he believes I was having an emotional affair with a friend of ours. I haven’t confronted him yet. Truthfully I know he's capable of getting me to believe whatever excuse he may have. Or is there a logical explanation for a Viagra to go missing while on a trip? Maybe I just leave it alone? I have a good life and I just want peace.

Why won’t I just confront him? It’s really starting to bother me. I’m 59 years old and perhaps that’s what is holding me back. Do I really want to start over?

Sister,

I can not imagine any other reason a guy would carry viagra (consuming it changing brands, etc) on a trip other than "this is a no longer fit man with a not well functioning apparatus that is planning to have sex with prostitutes while nobody is looking "

I assume prostitutes because if he was having an affair he would have some stashed away at his AP place.

In all good will that is the most likely explanation.

And since you already fought this terror in your past your system feels that confrontation will cast you back in the abyss.

However I feel you already are thee, your mind might be just trying to deny it so it will not see that is drowning back in once again.

In this case confrontation could help you to at least reclaim your agency.

Is terrible that you have to go through again, but I am afraid he is cheating and he is not healed nor a safe partner.

Just a cheater

I dont know much about these types of pills other than what they are for, so take this with a grain of salt.

Not trying to defend him, but for your own sanity I think all possibilities should be examined.

Is it possible he's using them to gratify himself instead of cheating? Do you have any other evidence? Or is it just the pills?

Thank you both I truly appreciate the 2 perspectives. Unfortunately my gut knows what really happened. I didn’t confront originally because son was getting married and I didn’t want to be the cause of chaos. I’m just so confused on what to do

It must be incredibly hard to deal with another round of this 10 years later!

You say you want a good life and you want peace. Can you really say that you'll have either of those now that you have this new knowledge?

Before you can be ready to confront him, you need to be ready to accept the consequences of doing so. Are you ready to walk away from the marriage? Because it sounds like you've given him more than enough chances, and he keeps hurting you. Have you looked at the Fear vs. Reality thread in the Divorce forum? Fear of the unknown can keep us from making big changes.

59 might be too late for some things, but it's not too late to live a happy and peaceful life on your own. I'm 51, so a bit younger than you, but I have health issues that leave me with the capacity of an 80 year old. I'm not planning to remarry. I have, however, found peace and joy, and I'm looking forward to the future more than I ever was while staying in an unhappy marriage.

[This message edited by NoThanksForTheMemories at 5:04 AM, Thursday, July 9th]

Thank you both I truly appreciate the 2 perspectives. Unfortunately my gut knows what really happened. I didn’t confront originally because son was getting married and I didn’t want to be the cause of chaos. I’m just so confused on what to do

You are not nor going to be the cause of chaos.

The traitor is the cause, he is betraying you, your family, your son and everyone who belongs in the outskirts of your relationship (again).

Yes you know what happened most likely. I read now in your signature that the guy had a prostitution problem already.

I think people who are in a relationship and still go to prostitutes have a serious problem with accountability and commitment, they spend time dreaming and looking for a relationship and once they get it, they begin to struggle and bite the leash to find escapism (they don’t want to leave, just fantasy escape).

Sex workers are their go to, no emotion, just performance and safety from "complications" (meaning ‘my woman will never find out’, but he is the circus clown, not James Bond).

We have a very specific slur to call these men, it’s kind of translatable to "slutter", and it’s a bit more insulting than when you call a woman a "whore".
Actually it doesn’t even have a positive connotation unlike ‘whore or slut’ can in sexual banter, is just negative, means you have no attributes, balls, character, reeks of desperation and cowardice. Is just insulting and well deserved.

I don’t know if my profile fit your husband, still I had the feeling that your hesitation to confront is because you still have feelings for him and you wanted to believe in your reconciliation, now the blow finding out he didn’t change, he was just flying low.

Am I close?

Can I ask you something very personal outside of logic, pain and mind?

What does your heart desire right now? You still hope he can be in your life? Or do you want him and his pain gone?

Answer only if you feel comfortable, I would love to give you advice but I need to know where your emotions are the strongest still, not in intensity (that’s always going to be pain on Ddays), but in desire.

For only knowing that I can give you any different advice from "kick his nuts behind him while walking him around the world, 3 laps".

I am trying to make you smile because it sucks and you need some love, even from a stranger.

You deserve peace