SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First time poster, long time follower of many of the stories on this forum.

My wife cheated just over 4 years ago and had a very short couple of months affair. I have been struggling ever since. Things haven’t got any easier, they have just changed. In fact everything about my life and about my marriage has changed.

One of the things that has stuck in my mind and I can’t seem to get away from is the fact that she had sex with another man.

For the people that are in the same posistion, how did you allow you mind to move away from the fact that they have stayed, they have said they are sorry, but they still have been else where. How do you feel less stupid while the affair was going on, but just as stupid for trying to accept it and forgive knowing what you know.

I look at my wife and she says she loves me but some where inside my mind keeps reminding me that she was with another man. It’s like he was better, he was more fun, she desired him sexually.

Im never going to be as exciting as an affair. But all I think of is she is making do with me. Im not what she wants.

How do you move past the feelings and not let is destroy what you have left or what your trying to fix?

Bose

Many betrayed people have those same thoughts that you view her differently and it never will change or go away entirely.

I also had the feeling that my WW came back to me for all the wrong reasons. I was second best or less to her sexually and romantically, but the other aspects of what I provided added up to more than OM.

I had the feeling too that all the nice things she said to placate me were empty as her view of me had changed due to her affair.

Bose

I don't know that I ever will.

Just this week I've struggled with the thought that for a time I wasn't worth his honesty, love, faithfulness, commitment and respect. I was worthless to him. How do you switch it back on? Can you?

When these thoughts bubble up I have to make a real effort to switch gears. If it's a song on the radio I'll turn it off. If it's a bad dream I'll get up and read a book. It doesn't make it all go away, but it does calm me down.

What you share is very common.
Other than not cheating what have you two been doing to reconcile?

There are some things we consider as "truths" regarding affairs.
For one – they cheat despite us, not because of us. She did not go have this affair because you were lacking, but because SHE was lacking. It reflects more on her than you.
Then there is the truth that his sexual abilities weren’t known to her until AFTER she had cheated. To put it bluntly: the affair happens way before the first button in undone.

A hard thing for me was the fact that from 7:00 a.m. till 3:00 p.m. my wife could be the fun flirty vivacious sexting woman that I always wanted but she had no interest in that with me but was more than happy to do it with a married coworker

From 3:00 p.m. till 7:00 a.m. I got the boring responsible dutiful wife :/

He was fun, I was dependable. He made her feel alive, I made her feel secure by busting my ass to provide for our family and saving money for our dream of one day retiring in Tennessee.

Each night she would carefully lay out her clothes for the next day making sure everything was perfect. She said it made her feel prepared for the day but in hindsight I recognize she was doing it all for him. Then she would spend an hour in the bathroom making sure everything was perfect and then she would grab her coffee that I made for her every morning, kiss me goodbye, say I love you and then she would race to work to get her excitement fix

Now I think that when 3p rolled around she would begrudgingly delete their sexting history and drive home to her boring Dependable reliable faithful husband :/

When we fool around she is all into it and saying things that I love to hear and moving and acting in a way that would make any man think he's doing a phenomenal job but in the back of my mind I still wonder if part of it is just an act to make me feel secure and I don't think that will ever go away for me

We don't sext. I told her I loved doing it but it died with the affair.

I tried to reconcile but divorced years later. I couldn't ever get over the mind movies. My ex had mu oldest daughter out of wedlock so she was not a virgin when we married. She no longer felt special to me. My youngest daughter felt something was wrong in our relationship and wished we had divorced earlier. I also wish I had divorced earlier. It is a hard decision to make. To me forgiveness means you no longer hold it against a person. It doesn't mean you need to continue to have a relationship with them.

Short of dementia, I don’t think I will ever fully "get away" from the mind movies and overall injustice of the betrayal.

I use the analogy of buying a flooded car with a salvage title. The car looks OK, runs OK no one else knows it was flooded. But when I sit in it alone, I smell rotting fish. It’s "tainted".

In many ways, my marriage also has a "salvage title". How good was it pumped out and cleaned?
Still working on it daily.

Truthfully, it sometimes feels futile and I fear that "dead fish smell" will last forever.

How do you move past the feelings and not let is destroy what you have left or what your trying to fix?

I had to look at what was destroyed and figure out if rebuilding was worth it.

Ten years later, the only time I think about the A is when I sign in here at the website to share my experiences.

I had all the same questions.

Here are the things I figured out.

It was never about the other guy. He wasn't better than me, he was the guy who gave my wife the validation she required because she was the one with the ego problems.

Nothing about my wife's shitty choices reflect on me at all, in any way.

To rebuild, my wife had to show why she betrayed her own standards and ethics. She had to understand why she turned away from the M instead of toward the M when she was stressed out. If you wife isn't doing the work, if she isn't building back her likely poor self-esteem, then she is still someone who could fall into the same choices again.

The feelings? Well, I had to process them all. The anger, the sadness -- and that took me several years. To me, it sounds like you just chose to stay but you haven't worked on healing you or your relationship.

I think we should only ever stay if the M can be built back into something worthy of you and your time.

Counseling can help, but only counseling that holds your spouse accountable for her choices. The M can never cause infidelity. Infidelity is always a series of deliberate decisions. All of us have tough moments in relationships, not all of us choose to cheat.

Keep venting, keep posting, and whether you stay or leave, you will find a healthier path forward!