Only 4 months in… When does it feel better?

Hi all, I wrote on here months ago and found a lot of the advice really pragmatic and helpful so I’m hoping for similar this time…
I’m in the process of separation from my partner of 15 years, I’m 34 with two young children and we’ve only been married for 3 years. He cheated on me twice early in the relationship, but I was young, he was ten years older and I chose to ignore it and stay.. He commenced an affair on our 2nd wedding anniversary, I felt his shift immediately, found out what was happening and we went in to therapy together. At this point I was still listening to our wedding tracks, feeling genuinely like my life was amazing and I had it all… Fast forward time, we had two stretched bouts of couples therapy, I still felt his continuous distance to which he denied. I found out on numerous occasions during this time that he was still in touch with her.. she’s half his age, he was meeting her late at night and buying her gifts…
Following the beginning of his affair, and within a three month period, my sibling died suddenly, and our dog died - he watched me struggling intensely during this period, while still having to process betrayal, work on my breaking marriage and claw at him to help me fix it.
I caught him finally in may this year, and asked him to leave our family home. I knew the whole time really, i seem to have an issue of being ‘forever hopeful’ - and I just wasn’t ready to stand up and move. The lack of worth feelings were so intense, and still are.
I’m a big believer in hope and fate - I don’t have much choice now otherwise I would sink. I have amazing friends and supportive siblings, who have put a big blanket over me to help me come out of this.
I am having therapy, also and navigating my lack of boundaries and need to people please following feelings of abandonment as a teenager.
My question is - do you have any other suggestions for how to heal from this without it impacting all of my future relationships? Is it time? Will I ever heal?
I also made the mistake of getting involved with a man about 2 months ago - he approached me, not from my area, moves around with work, lives on the road, doesn’t maintain any strong connections and hasn’t seen his son for ten years… I really enjoyed him choosing to speak to me, being interested in me and my life - like he could have had anyone in the world with his travelling but he chose me and it made me feel special. He presented an adventure and I am craving adventure… He called it off, and all of my feelings of rejection and lack of worth have doubled down - I only met him twice. On reflection I understand it was not a healthy move, and I’m not in a good place.
I guess I feel out of control, and unsafe a lot of the time - my husband was the breadwinner and is the main shareholder in a very successful business. I live in the family home that I can’t afford so this is temporary. I work with him also, I have my own career path but followed his dream - which always supported him, I’m very flexible due to our children. I’m scared about my financial future, and whether I’ll ever feel secure in myself again. I want to break patterns my sister made, I am fearful I will repeat mistakes other females have made in my family.
I’m generally a very grateful person, i read a lot and have worked really hard to feel confident about myself and who I am. Betrayal has stripped me of everything, and I feel like I am starting all over again with low confidence, self esteem and lack of worth. I love life and all of the free things in it - exercise, sunsets, the stars and love for everything. I just lose it to a big thick cloud sometimes, low motivation and get lost in self pity.
Do you have any advice please?

1 comment posted: Sunday, August 24th, 2025

Navigating separation with young children

Hi all
Looking for some more advice please… I got responses previously about my husband’s long term affair, lies and me going back on numerous occasions believing he’d stop. He didn’t - the final straw was me hiring a PI and catching him in a car park with his AP who is 21 years younger than him… Following our separation nearly two months ago, things are difficult - he has asked to come back home on lots of occasions which is like emotional torture - promising changes and all the things he promised before!
I’ve agreed to him having the kids two nights per week, which he asked for and is on a Sunday & Monday night to suit his work requirements. He has now asked for Tuesday as well, because he is all of a sudden really flexible at work even though he never has been before. I’m trying to be reasonable but my kids are still struggling with the adjustment and I have been their primary parent while he’s worked 75+ hours per week for years, gym 4 times per week and a year long affair… but now he can make time? It’s another blow. I’ve refused 3 nights at the moment on the basis that I have been consistently present, and I didn’t blow up our family - I feel like he’s doing it to prove he’s a great dad.. he’s very present when he is with them, but that has been rare over the years, and I struggle to see how someone is so great when they treat their children’s mum so terribly. I’ve said we can review it in future - do you think this is fair? How much can he actually take from me - I don’t want to be away from them two nights nevermind three 😣. We’re also in discussions about assets, which he is being difficult about because a house which he inherited before the marriage is on the table and he is furious that I might be entitled to half of it… and he is texting the kids iPads every morning and calling them every night which he never did before. He’s cried to them, says he misses them all the time, said he didn’t want to leave.. they’re 10 & 7 - it’s not fair. Also acts like a victim and that this is entirely my decision - he’s surprised this is the end result, and justifies his affair saying he barely remembers any of it and that he obviously wasn’t in the right mind because that is not who he is and I know it. How do people move forward - do things settle?!
I find myself hating him, then very sad, and ultimately protective of my kids because he has been the one to threaten their wellbeing and mine.. but I need to coparent amicably with such a human? How is that possible…

5 comments posted: Friday, June 27th, 2025

Where to go next…

Hi all, I wrote a while ago about anxiety following infidelity and got some really insightful responses - I’m here again a couple of months later due to my husband’s affair continuing. He lied and lied, I knew what he was doing due to late nights working, odd purchases and continuous lack of intimacy… I ended up hiring a PI unfortunately, as I couldn’t break my family on doubt. Anyway, it did catch him doing what I thought, with the same girl as he has been seeing for almost a year now.

Fast forward a couple of weeks and he is asking to come back, he’s sorry, he’s realised, doesn’t want to break the kids hearts or our family, it’s mental health related, midlife crisis,totally out of character - load of excuses. How do people navigate this bit? I’ve caught him doing the same thing 4/5 times now, with the same girl, who happens to be half his age… done counselling, he lied through it, he’s shown me he doesn’t love me.. but he won’t accept it and says he wants me?

How do people coparent amicably with this? How do I stop wanting to hurt him? I’m so angry, and I struggle not to sympathise when he says he’s ill. Equally I hate that he’s hurt the kids… They’re really confused. I’ve known him 17 years, and he did this twice pre-kids.

4 comments posted: Tuesday, May 13th, 2025

More lies...

Hi all,
I posted a while back about my husband's emotional affair last year and again I am looking for some support please...

He was back in touch with her in February, and then left our home for 2 weeks in March, professing that he knew he was being vacant and therefore needed some time away to 'appreciate what he has'.

Since his return, full of promises, I have found he is buying viagra. He bought 28 in February and 28 this month. I called him out and they're being kept at work, for me and him of course. He has no history of ED, and hasnt been near me for months intimately... I tried to be intimate in February and he rejected me.

He is totally denying the affair is ongoing but it is quite evident it is... What do i do? How do i get the truth?

He left work around midnight on Saturday and didnt come home until 2:30 am, we only live 20 minutes away. It is obvious, but he cries and breaks down at the thought of separating. Why wouldnt he just leave me given that i have caught him out so much, or why wouldnt he stop? I'm very confused, i have 2 children with him who are 10 and 7, and this has been going on almost a year now. Is he a bad person? Or does he have mental health issues? I can't do anything because i dont get the truth...

Help an anxious Mum our please, i dont know what to do but the thought of my family separating is tearing me apart

Thanks.

8 comments posted: Monday, April 28th, 2025

Is this what reconciliation looks like?

Hi all,
This is my first time posting so please be kind!
Looking for advice from those who have been through similar... Wondering if i am fighting a losing battle but i really don't want to part with my family.
Background - me and my partner of 15 years expanded our business last year (predominately his, I WFH doing the accounts & kids). He is very passionate about the business, and works 75+ hours per week, has done since we met due to the nature of his work. I have become more involved since it's growth due to me having more of a behind the scenes skillset.. HR/Accounting/Admin. We have two children (10&6). I genuinely considered us to be happily married and so fortunate to have found each other and be growing together.
I found out just after the expansion that he was pursuing a new member of staff, half his age at 22. I felt him detach rapidly, so found it out within 2 weeks of it starting - she very much reciprocated but left quickly after I found out.
We commenced marriage counselling, but over the period of 6 months following, i found out they were still in touch and secretly meeting from time to time.
During this period and just by awful chance, my sister died suddenly, my mum got a critical illness diagnosis and our dog died. I was absorbed in grief, unable to function properly (panic attacks/anxiety), and felt like my life was being shattered and i had no control. There was so much opportunity for him to stop but he didnt.
We didnt have time away from eachother, for the kids, and his promises to stop and remain loyal - we were planning another baby.
Fast forward to now, I am still experiencing paranoia and I still really struggle to go in to the business, it is tainted. We are still in counselling, and he wants to forget this has all happened, but I can't. I'm trying but his movements still feel odd, he goes to the gym late at night after work which is new, and whenever he goes distant or moves differently, I am almost certain they've been in touch with each other. It is very difficult.
I feel a lot stronger personally, and I will not turn a blind eye, but I can not figure out if my intuition is right and he is lying or i am completely off.
Sorry, this is long! I really want this to work and move forward, but it feels impossible while he's acting this way - I don't even know how i feel about him now? Is this a midlife crisis?! Do i sit patiently waiting.. How do I move..

5 comments posted: Friday, February 21st, 2025

Lacking direction, will I ever know the truth?

Hi all,
This is my first time posting so please be kind!
Looking for advice from those who have been through similar... Wondering if i am fighting a losing battle but i really don't want to part with my family.
Background - me and my partner of 15 years expanded our business last year (predominately his, I WFH doing the accounts & kids). He is very passionate about the business, and works 75+ hours per week, has done since we met due to the nature of his work. I have become more involved since it's growth due to me having more of a behind the scenes skillset.. HR/Accounting/Admin. We have two children (10&6). I genuinely considered us to be happily married and so fortunate to have found each other and be growing together.
I found out just after the expansion that he was pursuing a new member of staff, half his age at 22. I felt him detach rapidly, so found it out within 2 weeks of it starting - she very much reciprocated but left quickly after I found out.
We commenced marriage counselling, but over the period of 6 months following, i found out they were still in touch and secretly meeting from time to time.
During this period and just by awful chance, my sister died suddenly, my mum got a critical illness diagnosis and our dog died. I was absorbed in grief, unable to function properly (panic attacks/anxiety), and felt like my life was being shattered and i had no control. There was so much opportunity for him to stop but he didnt.
We didnt have time away from eachother, for the kids, and his promises to stop and remain loyal - we were planning another baby.
Fast forward to now, I am still experiencing paranoia and I still really struggle to go in to the business, it is tainted. We are still in counselling, and he wants to forget this has all happened, but I can't. I'm trying but his movements still feel odd, he goes to the gym late at night after work which is new, and whenever he goes distant or moves differently, I am almost certain they've been in touch with each other. It is very difficult.
I feel a lot stronger personally, and I will not turn a blind eye, but I can not figure out if my intuition is right and he is lying or i am completely off.
Sorry, this is long! I really want this to work and move forward, but it feels impossible while he's acting this way - I don't even know how i feel about him now? Is this a midlife crisis?! Do i sit patiently waiting.. How do I move..

9 comments posted: Friday, February 21st, 2025