SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I had my last appointment with my therapist before my planned DDay on September 6th. My therapist and I picked this date because my wife and I had a number of family vacations this summer and did not want to drop the nuke I am about to right before we were going to be around family and extended family. As avoidant as I am (DDay has been 20+ years in the making), I think the last few months thinking about this have been hellish enough that I physically need to get this behind me. I am so anxious about the damage this is going to cause to my wife, but there is no other path forward.

Therapy has been good beyond just preparing for my disclosure. I have had to unpack lots of shit from my own family. My dad was (likely is still) a serial cheater. He is on wife #3, but I happen to know he has cheated on her at least a few times. My mom finally divorced him after giving a couple chances at reconciling (he remarried within a couple months to one of his APs). My mom is brilliant (valedictorian at an elite undergraduate school) and sacrificed her career to be a SAHM. My dad used money as leverage to be really shitty in the divorce and thereafter (main motivator for my career choice was to make sure my family never stressed over money like we did). My mom went back to school and got her masters while taking care of four kids ages 7 to 12. She supported us in every way possible. She remarried four years after the divorce and we blended a family with eight teenagers.

I left for college at graduation so was in that house for only three years, but very much underestimated the unresolved issues I had from that time. Our families were very different. His kids had lived with a mom who slowly deteriorated and passed from cancer and never dealt with that trauma. They were very quiet and isolated and my siblings and I were very outgoing and active with large friend groups.

My mom and husband did not really help us blend together and I am realizing that I have supressed the emotions from that time. I have always been a momma's boy and she sacrificed so much for us that I never allowed myself to feel negative emotions when she remarried and we all moved in together. I am the oldest son and had to be the man of the house for the years before she remarried and the combination of her marrying and not actively helping us when we had issues with our step siblings created resentment that I am just starting to unpack. Even writing this triggers guilt as I honestly could not ask for a better mom.

I was sexually active from a young age. I used to think that as just normal teenage boy behavior, but in retrospect it was associated with the trauma I had and in itself did some damage. I am not a moralist, but having sexual relationships so young left significant residual issues.

Not sure why I am writing all this, but the last therapy session touched on this so it is top of mind. Obviously this is not justification for the terrible choices I have made, but having a better understanding of my childhood has helped me think about my whys.

My therapist is really concerned about my depression. As a recovering addict I am very conscious before I take any meds so I am holding off on any SSRIs in the hope that I will start feeling better after DDay. Hard to imagine I will feel better, but my therapist really believes part of my shame spiral will end once I have disclosed. She thinks up to 50% of the guilt and shame is from hiding the affair.

I do not have a therapy session before DDay (my appointments are on Mondays and next week is Labor Day), but I have her number on speed dial. I have no idea how my wife is going to respond . She may already know or she may be totally blindsided. Part of the sessions have been preparing for how she responds. I am going to be ready to leave and stay elsewhere if she wants. I am more worried about how I can support her. I would want to hug her, tell her how sorry I am, tell her that I am committed to building a new relationship on transparency and honesty, and how I will spend the rest of my life trying to be the husband and partner she has always deserved. I have difficulty reconciling how the person who is inflicting the pain and damage can also help with healing. My hope is she will be open to therapy to process this and that will help guide how I can best help her heal.

Somewhat of a rambling post so apologies. We are going away with family for a long weekend and I am going to try and be present rather than ruminating on all this.

fvl....

Writing this as a BW finding out after 42 yrs

My husband walked into the kitchen one afternoon. Asked me to sit and told me he had something to tell me. Then he proceeded to tell me that 42 years earlier (just after our first anniversary) he had had an affair. For me, this came completely out of left field. As I write this I'm trying to remember exactly what was said, but quite honestly, it's all a blur. I do remember asking him for details. He had some but he also had a lot of "I don't remembers" and "I don't knows". I'm happy to read that you have been working with a therapist ahead of your confession. I would have appreciated that from my H.

Your wife may ask a lot of questions or she may say nothing at all. You will need to take your cues from her. You seem like a very caring and remorseful man. Don't get caught up in trying to figure out your moves ahead of time. It won't work. Just try to have the answers to the questions she may ask and if you don't, tell her so. Look her in the eyes and be honest. Give her space if she needs it. Listen to her.

It's a long road my friend, but there is hope. God bless you for coming clean and showing your wife the respect she deserves.

Thank you trumansworld. I realize every one is different, but wondering if you view all of the time between the affair and disclosure as tainted. One thing I have struggled with is seeing any good I have done because the affair negates it. I also worry that my wife will no consider any good memories over the last 20 years tainted because I had such a big secret.

I am prepared to answer any questions she has. It was 20+ years ago, but I still remember enough to answer most of the questions I think she will ask. My therapist has a colleague that works with sex addicts and facilitates a full disclosure in a therapeutic setting if that is what my wife wants. I am not a sex addict, but will go through the disclosure prep if my wife wants.

Thank you for your advice as it is relevant lived experience, but very sorry you had to deal with it.