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Two days ago, I had a medical appointment scheduled for later that morning. We have one car, and she had to go to work, so I drove her. We made a short stop at Walmart to buy some supplies for her that she needs at work. When we returned to the car and I started it, the car connected to her phone and displayed a text message: "Morning". Days before this, she came home and showed me a text exchange she said had just happened. It was from a guy she had played online with before my first D-Day. She said she hadn't initiated the conversation. The message that came through at Walmart was from the same guy.

She immediately said that it was from days ago and then deleted the message before I could respond. She was panicking in real time as I drove her to work. I just let her spiral while I listened. After she stopped talking, I let silence chip away at her. Then I spoke.

I pointed out that her explanation made no sense. Why would a text deleted days ago show up on the car's display now? I pointed out that people who are not hiding anything don't panic. Then she admitted that the text was from that morning. I also pointed out that the text itself sounded like it was picking up a recently-paused conversation that she was in the middle of. She admitted only that it does look suspicious.

Still, she won't admit that she is engaging with this guy. I have to consider this D-Day number 3. For about a week now, she has been waking up before me and apparently playing games online. My red flag radar was set off by this. Now I find that she is exchanging texts with this guy, panicking about it, and covering it up. I never find anything on her phone that would indicate any of this.

Yesterday, in the wake of all of this, I wanted to check out the features of the Telegram app, which is a secure messaging program. I installed it on my laptop and on my phone and synced my contacts (my contacts are limited to immediate family). Telegram gives you a list of your contacts who also use Telegram. Her name was the first one listed. The only other one was our son. It showed her last use of Telegram was in August 2024, six months before D-Day number 1. And it showed a more recent date, this year, for our son's last use of it. She can't claim to be using it to communicate with him.

She has insisted she wants our marriage to work. I just don't see that happening with all these concerns and incidents rearing their ugly heads, even if she were being honest. I really don't need any of this crap.

leftdejected, I'm sorry that you've hit DDay3. As someone who also had very fluid "boundaries" when it came to ddays and WS's behavior, I see you walking a similar path to mine. If that's true, then nothing will change until you take decisive action to protect yourself and present her with real, palpable consequences. Why not at least start the process of separation or divorce so that she knows how serious the situation is?

She has insisted she wants our marriage to work. I just don't see that happening with all these concerns and incidents rearing their ugly heads, even if she were being honest. I really don't need any of this crap.

You're right - you don't need this. She can insist whatever she wants, but actions speak louder than words. If she has a problem with gaming or with addiction to attention from men, she should be seeking help. She isn't doing that, and she continues to behave in ways that she knows will cause you pain (hence the panic and lying). She's proven that she isn't capable of taking steps to change herself and heal your relationship. The ball is now in your court - you've had 3 ddays. What will you do next?

You have had another DDay. And her reaction tells you [sadly] everything you need to know.

Those who have nothing to hide - hide nothing.

Those who have done nothing wrong do not panic.

Truth does not mind being questioned.

I read your profile and I really feel for you. I dealt with ED for a while as a side effect of sertraline and it sucks bad. Fortunately it went away when I stopped taking it, but it took a loooong time.

You've had a really bad hand dealt to you. I'm sorry about the way your wife has chosen to deal with this, but it does sound like you have indeed experienced a 3rd d day, and it doesn't sound like she's going to change anytime soon. Hiding, deleting messages and panicking are not good signs at all.

Yeah I'm going to call BS on her explanation. She could easily be deleting her messages on a daily basis like my wife was. The last thing she would do before leaving work was delete her sexting history with her coworker. I only found it because I checked her iPad while she was at work and since they were synced I saw the messages from that day. Clever but not clever (deceitful) enough

People with nothing to hide do not panic. I am not familiar with the telegram app but I'm willing to bet there's a way to keep your contacts hidden. The only way you will know is to gain access to it without giving her time to scrub it which she probably already has

By the way, did you know that text messages sent from iPhone to iPhone do not travel through your cellular carrier? When I became suspicious the first thing I did was check with Verizon because all the phones are in my name and there was nothing there and I almost gave up but then I checked her tablet and that's when everything imploded and that's when I learned that iPhone to iPhone text messages go through Apple only

I would make a demand that she delete the telegram app permanently and stops online gaming. If she refuses well then you know where you stand

Do you know her passwords to everything? If not, why not? A married couple should not have any secrets from each other and if she is locking things behind unknown passwords well then that speaks volumes

[This message edited by WB1340 at 5:55 PM, Friday, October 24th]

She’s still lying and cheating.

Ask yourself WHY?

Appears as though she’s addicted to gaming, lying and cheating.

I don’t know where you stand but I hope you at least have an exit strategy in your back pocket.