SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Im really struggling with not thinking about the affair partner and what happened, to make things worse I went into town last week and went to get a coffee and she was in the coffee shop and looked right at me (she doesn't know who I am or what I look like luckily) I was shaking it was awful and then today I've just been into town again and saw her again in the shop and then I quickly left the shop and then saw her again in the same coffee shop now I am raging it's like I can't get a break and have to be reminded by seeing her. Then I think I will just have to avoid that coffee shop but then I think why the fuck should I have to avoid places I like because of her and my husband it's not my fault yet I'm being punished! it's so frustrating. Sorry just needed to vent! Im trying to reconcile but it's so hard when I keep getting reminded of it!

I've managed to avoid my wife's AP, even tho he lives about 2 miles from where we do and I drive by his complex almost every day. Not by design, but more luck I suppose. It helps that he was trespassed from my wife's work.

I don't have much in the way of words of wisdom. I just vibe with your post and can imagine how it'd make me feel to randomly bump into that piece of human garbage. I really sympathize with how it must make you feel. I'd have trouble stopping myself from slashing his tires in the parking lot.

I totally get it. Your favorite coffee shop (and general calm) is now ruined by something that's entirely not your fault. It's just another way that infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving.

My WH had an affair with his coworker. Their business was a direct competitor of ours and I had previously been the manager there. Not only that their workplace was literally 500m from mine.

Their business had to shut down and therefore we took on some of their work. I had to visit their site numerous times and see her. Whilst I held my head high and put on a brave front I would shake after each and every encounter.

It is so shit that they can infiltrate our lives so much. But I hope Selenite you go back to your coffee shop and sit and face her knowing you are a superior human being by far and you deserve that fucking cup of coffee!!!!

Introduce yourself. Tell her she is trash and maybe she will get uncomfortable and find a new coffee shop!

I agree with emotional affair.

You should not fear any affair partner. Ever.

But I have a very specific view of things on that topic.

Voilà!

In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition.
[carves V into wall]

The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous.

For one, I would share your trigger with your husband. Not in a confrontational form, or with any expectation that he directly does something to prevent her from being in your world. It’s more an issue to make him better aware of the consequences and the long-term effects. His response should be a combination of shame, regret, and care.

Second: If you are up to it then don’t avoid her when you run into her. She knows you, she recognizes you. You mentioned that you contacted her one night, and she knows who your husband is. You can 100% expect she’s looked you up and has at least seen your picture.

So do this mental exercise: Prepare for running into her, prepare to enter somewhere she might be. Be decided beforehand to hold your head high, act with dignity and grace and to totally ignore her existence.
I find it… calming… to have some sense of pity for those that do something wrong to me. Not compassionate pity, but more of a demeaning pity. Like… when you see her prepare yourself so your first thought might be "well… at least she’s managed to keep her leg’s together. Good for her!", or "poor lass – must still be sore from kneeling behind the dumb-bells". This thought sort of tricks your brain from the suspense, anxiety and fear it’s headed towards and makes her less of a threat. It calms you to decide your next steps.

I’m not suggesting you look her up. To me it’s your call if you find another coffee shop or if you decide to go and reclaim this one. Maybe next time she’s there you don’t turn back, but change your plans from having a seat to getting a to-go cup. But don’t let her see fear or that you are afraid of her. It’s more like she’s a turd, and you are leaving because of the stench.

I ran into the OM about a month after my d-day. Even then I realized he wasn’t my problem. Just a random guy my ex hooked up with. I was working a Saturday night and I was doing some random DUI stops. He sat in the car along with 4 of his friends and made the mistake of saying something like "hey – I f… your woman!". Somehow, I had the ability to hold back my initial reaction of pulling him out by his neck and beating the crap out of him, and instead answered instantly "I remember you! You went from a penis to having an innie in less than 2 seconds!". His driver friend was sober, and they left laughing at him more than at me.